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Archive for March, 2010

Today marked the first anniversary of the Covington Police’s Catch and Release program.

In celebration Police Chief Lee Russo commended his officers in front of the public and press this afternoon. The conference was held outside of the police department’s Catch and Release Gala at Club Venus.

“We took a grand idea from a distant neighbor to the south and made it our own. We made it truly degrading to illegals. Something truly Kentucky,” said Russo to cheers and the sound of pisols being shot wildly into the air.

The idea he referred to was the original Catch and Release program designed by the Mobile, AL police department in 2007. The idea behind the program was to arrest as many illegal immigrants as fast as possible, release them back into the public and then arrest them again. The intent was to cause general unrest among the hispanic communities to the point where they would relocate to a neighboring city.

Chief Lee Russo

Russo took this original idea and pushed it to the next level.

“At the beginning we were just catching as many illegals as possible and photographing them in various criminal poses so we could identify them in the wild,” said Russo during an interview with the Intelligencer this morning. “You know, we’d get them running, get them with a shiv in their hand, with a bandana over their nose and mouth, etc. etc.”

“Originally we just wanted to keep them on their toes, you know, let them know we were watching them.”

However, as Assistant Chief Spike Jones explains, the original policy quickly changed.

“We were arresting these illegals over and over. The same guys, the same pictures, same poses, blah blah blah,” said Jones. “After a while it  just wasn’t as fun anymore. So, we decided to liven things up a little bit.”

Assistant Chief Spike Jones

Jones explained that in addition to the usual poses the the photographs began to include illegal immigrants in traditional dress from their home countries.

“So, like, what we did is catch these guys and start dressing them in ponchos, sombreros…you don’t know how much we’ve spent on fake moustaches,” said Jones.

“We started getting really good at dressing these guys up. It became a contest to see who could dress them up in the most beautiful constumes. It wasn’t easy finding extra money in the city budget but trust me, we found a way to pay for our fair share of imported leather and feathers.”

The program has grown to such an extent that Covington Police are planning a full scale reenactment of The Battle of the Alamo at Goebel Park this Saturday.

Catch and Release Illegals Running Drills

“I’ll be playing Davy Crocket and will be commanding the Covington Police as the Alamo Forces. Jones will be playing Antonio López de Santa Anna and will command the 2000 or so illegal immigrants we’ve captured and created costumes for,” said Russo. “It wasn’t easy preparing that nameless latino rabble for such an endeavor but you’d be surprised what the promise of tequila and an expertly wielded baton can do.”

Local residents like Becky Wadlow are planning their weekend around the reenactment.

“I wasn’t sure how I felt about the Catch and Release program last year but now they got them boys puttin’ on shows for us all for free. So, needless to say I’m all for it now,” said Wadlow.

“I got my kids this weekend and we’re gonna be there bright and early to get the best seats. I’m so excited!”

For more information contact the Covington Police Department at (859) 292-2222.

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Banned, Effective April 1st, 2010

This afternoon Kenton County officials passed a bill that will in effect terminate the mating habits of its citizens’ pickup trucks.

The Kenton County Motorist Protection Act, which was put up for consideration only a week ago, requires that owners of light to heavy duty pick up trucks with a clearance of over seven inches must remove genitalia from the rear hitch of their vehicles by April 1st.

The bill was proposed on February 15th by Kenton County Attorney Garry L. Edmondson in reaction to a vehicular incident involving a rogue set of pickup testicles on 471 southbound Valentine’s Day evening.

Newport Police reports state that The Macon family entered 471 southbound around 8:15 p.m. after attending a viewing of The Tooth Fairy, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, at AMC Theatre. Shortly after the family merged onto the highway a pickup truck scrotum and testicles, weighing nearly 10 pounds, suffered a catastrophic detachment from an unidentified pickup truck, skipped across the road several times at high speed and slammed through the windshield of the Macon’s Ford Probe. Robert and Tina Macon’s 3-year-old daughter Leeann was struck in the head and killed instantly.

The Macon’s statement after the tragic event is seen as the major impetus for the bill’s swift passage.

“We don’t ever want other parents to go through what we went through. Seeing our baby girl’s head squished by a pair of  swollen, solid-aluminum truck nuts has changed us. Life ain’t worth living with that image forever stuck in our heads.”

While the majority of public opinion has been in favor of the bill the Kentucky Truck Breeders Association has voiced strong opposition.

Kenton County Chapter President Joe Lafferty is spearheading the movement to push an appeal through Kentucky courts before the April 1st spay and neuter deadline.

Joe Lafferty with his Daughter's Blue Ribbon Cherokee Stud

“Those politicians with their No Balls Law are stepping all over our constitutional rights,” said Lafferty . “We have every right as Americans to drive potent trucks anywhere in this country. This is how Nazi Germany started…the SS cuttin the dicks off of German citizen’s Volkswagens. I saw it on the History Channel!”

Lafferty also contests that inhibiting natural truck breeding will lead to dangerously low American truck populations.

“This county will become barren of virile American trucks in less than two years,” contests Lafferty. “And then, of course, wild Tundras and Titans will flood the area and ravage our resources. Their beds will be full of illegals and they’ll take our jobs!”

He also contends that the current wording of the bill only prohibits “proper” trucks from maintaining a healthy sack, which hints at automotive breeding favoritism.

“Owners of sedans, motorcycles, trikes, and the abominable lowrider truck are still permitted to own and operate a vehicle perfectly capable of laying deep pipe any time it pleases,” said Lafferty. “”Have you seen a Monte Carlo with a pair of juevos? It’s disgusting, it’s unnatural, it’s intolerable.”

“I won’t rest until this bill is overturned and my Super Duty can proudly let his bright-blue boys flap in rain, snow or shine.”

Bill still permits grape-smuggling Monte Carlos

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