Banned, Effective April 1st, 2010
This afternoon Kenton County officials passed a bill that will in effect terminate the mating habits of its citizens’ pickup trucks.
The Kenton County Motorist Protection Act, which was put up for consideration only a week ago, requires that owners of light to heavy duty pick up trucks with a clearance of over seven inches must remove genitalia from the rear hitch of their vehicles by April 1st.
The bill was proposed on February 15th by Kenton County Attorney Garry L. Edmondson in reaction to a vehicular incident involving a rogue set of pickup testicles on 471 southbound Valentine’s Day evening.
Newport Police reports state that The Macon family entered 471 southbound around 8:15 p.m. after attending a viewing of The Tooth Fairy, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, at AMC Theatre. Shortly after the family merged onto the highway a pickup truck scrotum and testicles, weighing nearly 10 pounds, suffered a catastrophic detachment from an unidentified pickup truck, skipped across the road several times at high speed and slammed through the windshield of the Macon’s Ford Probe. Robert and Tina Macon’s 3-year-old daughter Leeann was struck in the head and killed instantly.
The Macon’s statement after the tragic event is seen as the major impetus for the bill’s swift passage.
“We don’t ever want other parents to go through what we went through. Seeing our baby girl’s head squished by a pair of swollen, solid-aluminum truck nuts has changed us. Life ain’t worth living with that image forever stuck in our heads.”
While the majority of public opinion has been in favor of the bill the Kentucky Truck Breeders Association has voiced strong opposition.
Kenton County Chapter President Joe Lafferty is spearheading the movement to push an appeal through Kentucky courts before the April 1st spay and neuter deadline.
Joe Lafferty with his Daughter's Blue Ribbon Cherokee Stud
“Those politicians with their No Balls Law are stepping all over our constitutional rights,” said Lafferty . “We have every right as Americans to drive potent trucks anywhere in this country. This is how Nazi Germany started…the SS cuttin the dicks off of German citizen’s Volkswagens. I saw it on the History Channel!”
Lafferty also contests that inhibiting natural truck breeding will lead to dangerously low American truck populations.
“This county will become barren of virile American trucks in less than two years,” contests Lafferty. “And then, of course, wild Tundras and Titans will flood the area and ravage our resources. Their beds will be full of illegals and they’ll take our jobs!”
He also contends that the current wording of the bill only prohibits “proper” trucks from maintaining a healthy sack, which hints at automotive breeding favoritism.
“Owners of sedans, motorcycles, trikes, and the abominable lowrider truck are still permitted to own and operate a vehicle perfectly capable of laying deep pipe any time it pleases,” said Lafferty. “”Have you seen a Monte Carlo with a pair of juevos? It’s disgusting, it’s unnatural, it’s intolerable.”
“I won’t rest until this bill is overturned and my Super Duty can proudly let his bright-blue boys flap in rain, snow or shine.”
Bill still permits grape-smuggling Monte Carlos
